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| Noah's Ark - Public Domain picture from Wikipedia {{PD-US}} |
And
then, out of the blue, came reality.
So
we encounter and have to deal with – either directly or indirectly – idiots
driving the wrong way (and getting away with it), Supreme Court judges who
reduce a UIDAI to an optional identity card, corrupt authorities, nuisance
neighbours, ruderless leaders, hypocrites, people who progress on the “wrong
merits”, a dysfunctional political system, a mainstream-media ecosystem that
has completely collapsed and what have you.
Sometimes,
it’s a little closer to home like a ruined or cancelled vacation, the home team
grabbing defeat from the jaws of victory or a culinary accident when you are
having important guests over.
Sometimes,
it’s more serious like experiencing or watching at close quarters, bad things
happening to good people. Or failed relationships. Or being party against your
will, to an injustice.
How
does one deal with this reality?
This
is a question I have often struggled with – and sometimes, still struggle with.
How does one fit what we are facing and how does one fit the decisions we have
to make in all those black-and-white options we have programmed to learn?
In
continuation of my Upgrade to Colour, an important - and effective - lesson I
have learnt is really a simple one: acknowledge the reality. This
may seem ludicrously obvious, but not only was it not so obvious to me in the
beginning, but also, I find a lot of people grappling with this elusive
realization.
While
we will embrace desirable, and while we will shun the undesirable, we often
forget that above all that, the stark reality that confronts us is what we have
to deal with. In that moment and in those circumstances, all else has only
academic relevance at that moment. That a waitlisted ticket should have gotten confirmed means
nothing if it hasn’t. You have to deal with the fact that you don’t have a
confirmed ticket to travel on. Right then, right there. That a near one shouldn’t have been diagnosed with an
illness means nothing in the face of having to decide what you have to do
next.
Acknowledging the reality hardly resolves the issue at
hand. What it does do though, is provide
a clear demarcation between what we can control and what we cannot control;
and hence serves as a pointer to where we must invest our energies and more
importantly, where we must not.
In
my struggles with reality, one important exercise I have undertaken is to
develop a catalogue of individuals. Since human interaction forms a critical
component of our lives, I have found that classifying the people I have to deal
with helps me deal with my own emotions.
UTTERBOXES:
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| By Jean-Pierre Dalbera from Paris, FranceReused under Creative Commons License |
Utterboxes
are like self-winding toys – they keep going, they recharge themselves and they
keep going regardless of what’s happening around them.
Utterboxes
go one step beyond chatterboxes. Like chatterboxes, utterboxes tend to talk non-stop;
usually about trivial matters. But while chatterboxes essentially engage in
conversation, utterboxes have the ability to go the “extra rile” and engage in
lengthy monologues without any common theme, topic, thread or purpose.
They seem to have an urge to simply
keep delivering a constant flow of utterances and seemingly have little or no control over
their utterances. They will sometimes even repeat what others have just said merely
to express their agreement or solidarity with what has been said (and I suspect
they do this unintentionally) Why? I have no idea!
Sometimes
they will participate in conversations they aren’t really part of, but are
merely hearing by virtue of being physically present in the room or vicinity. They
usually have no second thoughts about conveying information and opinions
without themselves verifying anything or weighing in on what was said.
Often,
they will make utterances to suit the immediate context (or so they think) and
yet, they are usually oblivious to the irrelevance of their utterances in the
immediate context! Overall, the utterances serve little or no purpose – other
than keeping people engaged. And that perhaps, is the single largest advantage
of having utterboxes around: when you have guests at home, an awkward lull in
the conversation in a social setting, or a little inertia in breaking the ice
with someone you have just met, you can count on utterboxes to come to the
rescue.
Importantly,
utterboxes usually mean no harm or malintent and their utterances are usually
benign. If you are going to act on anything that was conveyed to you by an utterbox
however, it is always good to first verify it.
This is because the utterances
are usually delivered with enhanced intonations, gestures and expressions that
tend to mislead.
However,
utterboxes sometimes rub people the wrong way. Not intentionally, but because
it’s bound to happen: mathematically, the greater the net volume of words
uttered, the greater the probability of a word being out of place!
Dealing
with utterboxes:
Once I have classified an individual as a “utterbox”, I usually don’t retain
anything they say. Not that I forget what they have said; I just don’t take
them seriously. If something worthwhile does catch my attention I always verify
it before I use that information any further. The significance of consciously
recognizing this category of individuals and their behavior – including the important part about
them usually meaning no harm - is that it helps me deal with them without
getting flustered, confused or distracted.
VERBALANCHES
Verbalanches
are relatively difficult to handle.
Verbalanches
are people who, when displeased with a situation or person, express that
displeasure with an intensity that is disproportionate to the situation/problem
at hand. Like avalanches, they will only weaken after they have blown their full
force and finished saying what they have to say. And like avalanches, they can be unpredictable:
a small pebble can trigger the landslide while at other times serious digging
or drilling may produce nothing more than some insignificant vibrations.
What
complicates matters is that very often, they are ranting about someone or
something that you have nothing to do with, but the utterances are made with
such intensity that you will probably believe you are being blamed for it. Woe
betide you if you offer an explanation or hypothesis that sounds like a justification. I have on
occasion been held “in contempt” for “unduly defending” the actions of an
individual that the verbalanche was ranting about.
Once
the floodgates are opened – i.e., the verbalanche has started speaking and
expressing his/her views (usually, displeasure or disagreement) – it is
virtually impossible to stop or regulate the flow. There is no point trying to
interrupt these people because they will not stop till they have had their say.
Over time, I have realized that they are not bulldozing your interruptions –
they are just not hearing you. And hence, the best course of action for you is
to patiently wait for them to stop talking.
Unlike
utterboxes who will at most annoy you with their constant utterances, verbalanches
often tend to rub people the wrong way and usually cause some damage in
relationships. Depending on the intensity of the utterances and the temperament
of the other person(s) involved, the damage can sometimes be permanent. It is
sad that many times, the verbalanche never meant to hurt or demean the other
person in the first place, but even sadder is the fact that the realization of
the consequences of his/her utterances seldom dawns on the verbalanche.
Dealing with Verbalanches:
Step aside and wait. It's usually over as soon as it starts.
My single largest
victory with this category of people has been recognizing the pattern of their
behaviour. Initially, I used to get flustered because I could not bring myself
to silently hear the tirade, hear it when I had nothing to do with it and above
all, be “ignored” or “bulldozed” when I tried to offer any explanation. Now,
when I encounter a verbalanche coming down like a ton of bricks I am able to
achieve a fair degree of detachment that allows me to step out of harm’s way
and wait patiently for the tirade to subside before I attempt to say anything. If
at all. All the while, without letting the conversation affect me. If s/he is
the category of verbalanches that cannot accept justifications or explanations,
then I just patiently wait for them to finish so that I can nod and walk away.
PREJUDISTS: GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY
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| Monkey Justice shared from Curioso under the Creative Commons License |
Prejudists
have an uncanny and dogged immunity to facts that do not align with the opinion
they’ve already formed or a decision they’ve already made. The opinion can be
about just anything in the world. People, food, services, service-providers,
technology, hazards. Perhaps the only thing worse than a prejudist is a
prejudist with an ego.
In
effect, with prejudists you’re “guilty” until you’re proven guilty. Which
means, any evidence that establishes your “innocence” will promptly be
discarded to make way for the evidence – which may never come along anyway –
that will establish your guilt.
Prejudists
by nature & definition, harbor an irrational suspicion for the objects of
their ire or for anything that remotely threatens the sanctity of their
opinions.
Prejudices
are about people or entities (e.g., so-and-so is dishonest; Konkan Railway is
unreliable; Zomato sells your data) or about theories & objects (e.g., TV
remotes are as harmful as mobile phones, cooking on induction stoves is harmful
to health, it’s okay for diabetics to eat sweets made from jaggery).
Dealing
with prejudists:
Agree to disagree, without disagreeing.
As long as the conclusions they draw and how they act on those conclusions do
not affect you directly, it is best to give them a patient hearing and leave it
at that. Trying to rationalize or argue with prejudists is usually futile. So if
an established prejudist insists that the Coke or 7Up chilled in a LG
refrigerator tastes better than one chilled in a Samsung refrigerator, avoid
disagreeing with them. The trick is to be able to walk away by making them
think that your lack of disagreement implies agreement. Of course, at times
they may be spreading misinformation – e.g., Konkan Railway is unreliable, speed
governors will reduce life of the tyres, etc. At such times one has to step in
and step up. But as long you are not forced to refrigerate your soft drink only
in a certain refrigerator, just don’t disagree.
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| Horse Blinders by Maryland GovPics shared under Creative Commons License from Wikimedia |
MICRO-SCOPES
These
are the type of people who will probably be happy when someone at home falls ill
so that medicines in the medicine cabinet could be used before their expiry
date.
In
effect, these people inhibit themselves from seeing the big picture. Ever.
Their scope of vision, thinking, perspective, analysis, reasoning… everything…
is just too narrow (hence, “micro-scope”).
The
micro-scopes I have dealt with have been varied. They include a high-ranking
executive of a software-services company telling a senior sales executive not
to send the customary box of chocolates during Christmas to a fairly large
client because that client had not increased the Q-o-Q billing that quarter.
And the CFO of a $60-million company putting on hold at the nth hour, an
employee’s APPROVED relocation from one country to another (within the same
organization), because the internal cost-allocation had not been finalized. And
the businessman who refuses to accept payment from a customer because s/he is
unable to provide the exact invoice number against which the payment is being
provided. And the Purchase Officer who fought with the vendor to reduce
transport charges by Rs. 100/- for the goods worth Rs. 1.5 lakhs that he was
transporting.
Dealing with micro-scopes: I have till date not found an effective
strategy to deal with microscopes. If they’re young, you can coach them and
educate them, but if they’re older and more experienced, it’s probably a lost
cause. Sometimes, where feasible and practical, if constant reinforcing of the
fallacy of their narrow vision does not work, try something radical. The most
vivid memory I have and most effective measure I know of is the vendor who was
forced by the Purchase Officer to knock off Rs. 100/- from the transport
charges: he sent the goods by bullock cart!
Like
they say, “Only ignorance can be fixed; stupid is forever”.
SELFIES:
These
are usually petty-minded people who have a singular focus on themselves and
“all things them”: their well-being, their advantage, their convenience, their
priority, implications to them. They also exhibit an exceptional foresight and
analytical ability – usually absent otherwise – in connecting the dots to make
a holistic determination of how any course of action or decision will affect
them.
They
are usually inconsiderate, but demand that everyone else be considerate.
Ask
them do something for you and you will instantly see in action, machinations at
work to deflect the task from them.
These
people don’t realize that when if you care only about yourself, very soon, you’ll
be the only one who cares about you.
In
some cases though, “no one else caring for them” is the cause rather than the
effect of their behaviour. In other words, I have found that some “selfies” –
like rebels-without-a-cause – have been subject to some form of overbearing
authority or humiliation or neglect in the past. At other times it’s because
they have grown up in hard circumstances and had to fend for themselves. Their
tendency to focus on themselves I would guess is the natural outcome of that
subjugation or hurt or neglect.
Dealing with selfies: When I encounter a
selfie, my instinct is to be tough and firm while at the same time being
polite. Wherever possible – and it’s not often that it is possible – I try to determine
whether their behaivour stems from some past ghost they are dealing with or
just plain selfishness. Wherever possible though, humour them. Not because of
anything else but so that they don’t generate nuisance value. But when
required, don’t hesitate to shoo them off lest they take advantage of you.
REBELS-WITHOUT-A-CAUSE
In
many ways, I feel selfies and rebels-without-a-cause have similar backgrounds;
selfies just focus inward; rebels just push everything outwards. Selfies are
usually passive, rebels-without-a-cause are aggressive. Most of the
rebels-without-a-cause I have come across seemed to be struggling with an
inferiority complex or from some overbearing authority that they were subject
to.
At
some level I sympathize with them because they are still trying to shake off
that deep-rooted memory and angst from long back.
In
general though, they become a spanner in the works and show several traits of
prejudists and tend to be anti-establishment. For them, “being different” is a
conscious objective rather than an incidental outcome – i.e., they will want to
do something differently more to be different, than because they actually have
something of substance that just happens to be different. For example, you will
find them sporting a weird haircut just because they were perhaps forced
against their will to cut their hair in a particular way and not because they
actually like the haircut they are sporting. Or you will find them breaking a
norm or process or traditional practice merely because they want to establish
that they will have the final say than because they truly believe they have
found some alternative.
Confrontation
with them is usually futile and achieves little other than sullying the air for
everyone.
Dealing with rebels-without-a-cause:
Pick
your battles. My most effective technique with rebels-without-a-cause has
been letting them have their way if in the larger picture, it is not of much
significance. Even at times when it is inconvenient to me. I have found that
this serves the dual purposes of gaining their trust & respect (something
that comes in handy for a larger battle) and of helping them realize
themselves, the fallacy of their deeds. This is however, neither easy nor
possible. Especially when there are other stakeholders in the picture.
In
conclusion, dealing with the “human factor” is becoming an increasingly
important part of our daily lives. I really on my catalog to help me navigate
the contours of human behavior.
